Effective Communication with Teens: Tips for Parents

The teenage years share similarities with the "terrible twos." In both stages, kids are exploring new things, but they’re also testing boundaries and having outbursts. The main developmental challenge during these periods is the same: children must start to separate from their parents and assert their independence. This explains why they sometimes behave as if they’re the center of the universe.

This can make parenting challenging, especially since teens are beginning to make decisions with real consequences, like those involving school, friendships, and driving—not to mention substance use and relationships. However, they’re still learning to regulate their emotions, making them more likely to take risks and act impulsively.Because of this, maintaining a healthy and trusting parent-child relationship during the teenage years is crucial. Staying close isn’t always easy, though. Teens often don’t appreciate what they see as parental interference. While they’re an open book to their friends, constantly communicating via social media, they might clam up when a parent asks about their day. A request that seems reasonable to a parent can be met with dramatic resistance.If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is going through their “terrible teens.” This is a phase that will pass, but your role as a parent remains vital, though it may have shifted somewhat. Here are some tips to help you navigate this new terrain:

1. Listen: If you want to know what’s going on in your teen’s life, asking direct questions might not be as effective as simply listening. Teens are more likely to open up if they don’t feel pressured. Even an offhand comment about their day is their way of reaching out, and you’ll hear more if you remain open and interested—without prying.
2. Validate Their Feelings: Our instinct is often to solve problems for our kids or downplay their disappointments. However, dismissive comments like “They weren’t right for you anyway” after a romantic setback can feel invalidating. Instead, show understanding and empathy by reflecting their feelings back to them: “That sounds really tough.”
3. Show Trust: Teens want to be taken seriously, especially by their parents. Find ways to demonstrate that you trust them. Asking them for a favor shows that you rely on them, while granting a privilege shows that you believe they can handle it. Letting your teen know you have confidence in them will boost their self-esteem and encourage them to rise to the occasion.
4. Avoid Being a Dictator: You still set the rules, but be prepared to explain them. While it’s natural for teens to push boundaries, hearing your thoughtful reasoning about why, for example, school-night parties aren’t allowed can make the rule more understandable.
5. Give Praise: Parents often praise younger children more frequently, but teens need that self-esteem boost just as much. Even though they might act like they don’t care about your opinion, the truth is they still value your approval. Looking for opportunities to be positive and encouraging is beneficial for your relationship, especially when it’s strained.
6. Manage Your Emotions: It’s easy to lose your temper when your teen is being disrespectful, but try not to respond in kind. Remember that you’re the adult, and teens are less capable of controlling their emotions or thinking logically when upset. Take a moment to breathe or count to ten before responding. If tensions are too high, it’s okay to pause the conversation until everyone has calmed down.
7. Spend Time Together: Communication isn’t just about talking. It’s also important to spend time doing things you both enjoy, like cooking, hiking, or watching movies, without discussing anything personal. This shows your teen that they can enjoy your company and share positive experiences without fearing intrusive questions or criticism.
8. Share Regular Meals: Sitting down to family meals is another great way to stay connected. Dinner conversations allow everyone to check in and discuss casual topics like sports, TV, or current events. Teens who feel comfortable talking to their parents about everyday things are more likely to open up about tougher issues as well. A key rule: no phones at the table.
9. Be Observant: It’s normal for teens to go through changes as they grow, but pay attention if you notice shifts in their mood, behavior, energy levels, or appetite. Also, take note if they lose interest in activities they once enjoyed or start isolating themselves. If you observe changes in your teen’s daily functioning, ask them about it and offer support without judgment. They may need your help, and it could be a sign that they should talk to a mental health professional.